Lifetime bans are in my opinion a badge of honor. I find it to be a real power move to tell someone that invites you somewhere that you’ve been banned from that establishment, and you can’t go due to the ban. It’s essentially the biggest flex on earth if you ask me. Look at Edward Snowden, that man has a lifetime ban from an entire country… that’s bad ass. Granted he earned it, and I’m not the type of guy to go to those lengths for a ban, but hey… more power to him. The other positive to such a punishment is the story. Most people have great stories for their lifetime bans. I’m sure all the child molesters have a good story to why they aren’t allowed near school zones any longer. I’m not personally interested in those stories in particular for obvious reasons, but I’m sure they’re one hell of a story. I’ve always wanted a lifetime ban and I’ve never wanted to go to the lengths of a Snowden or a diddler but I’ve finally gotten one.
As someone who frequents bars and gets blacked out drunk semi regularly I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to acquire one. I’ve snuck into bars underage, gotten blacked out and fallen down a flight of stairs… no ban. I’ve smashed glasses in a packed bar… no ban. I’ve even been in fist fights in establishments… no ban. For God’s sake, what does it take to get banished now a days? MURDER?! Nope just a no no word. Now for anyone who has read my previous blog on the word cunt (I Identify as British). I happen to love that word. I’ve gone as far to identify as British now due to my love for the word. Turns out doesn’t play so well in an unopened bar full of women employees. My good friend works at a bar. I went to a Phillies day game with him and some of our friends. So like the good Philly scum bags we are we tailgated. I began drinking at 8am. I shotgunned a beer with a homeless man, played flip cup (the best drinking game invented), chugged a couple more bud lights, then entered the stadium to continue drinking. Me being the alcoholic I am made sure I stored up an extra beer for when they cut the patrons off during the 7th inning and drank the rest of the 24 ounces of liquid bad decisions on the ride home. My buddy who works at the bar for whatever reason took me with him to the bar and let me drink there before they opened. So like the class act I am, I ordered some whiskey on the rocks… I think was the tipping point.
The last thing I remember was ordering the whiskey, so the remainder of this story is his account. I began by simply betting on baseball games that were in progress on the TV with my buddy… I picked all the teams that were already losing. So naturally I lost all those bets. Now this is where I earned my ban. As the rest of the staff began to roll in they discovered a sun burned drunk guy sitting at the bar with his feet up yelling. What I was yelling about, your guess is as good as mine. I looked like Bob Knight after a blown call. At this point these poor women tried to talk to me or calm me down, I’m not too sure. Either way bad move.
I begin to stumble through sentences and slur every word in the English and non English dictionaries. But if there is one word that drunk slip can say clear as day, it’s cunt. And I made that very clear to these women. At this point my friend is giving me nonalcoholic spite drinks (which is fair.) But the damage was already done. I’ve now been embarrassing myself at this bar for at least an hour before drunk me figured out how Uber works. I wake up the next morning with a headache that hurts more than a girls asshole after the first time she tries anal. So the first thing I do is hit up my friends to go day drinking. I meet my buddies at the bar for drinks… one of whom is my friend that works at the bar that I was at the night before. That is where I was informed of my lifetime ban… I did it… I fucking did it.
Now granted, I’ve done much much worse things in my life that probably was deserving of a life time ban. But we did it boys we got out championship. I’m like Leo winning an Oscar for “Revenant” probably not his best work but that was the one that got him the win. And that’s all that matters. So this is for all the people out there who said “get out of here asshole” or “please just leave”. I don’t need you guys anymore, I got my ban somewhere else.