This article is longer and more detailed than our usual content.. but it is absolutely a necessary skill that must be passed down to our fellow Drunk Gamblers.
Important functions are brutal, so let’s skip them.
In my 24 years of walking this earth, I have developed some irrefutably impressive skills. Officiating Ice hockey games, balancing 4 jobs, graduating college, writing stupid blogs for other’s entertainment, and getting violently drunk with never getting a hangover are just a few things I can do. If you’re not already blown away, I have taught myself the most important skill of all time… one I can teach you. If you take notes and pay attention to this, then your life will change for the better.
The skill of missing important events is something I pride myself on. The number one rule is to not give a fuck. If you spend the entire time, that you’d be at said event, worrying… then you might as well just not even try again. The key is to build an excuse that makes you look like a good person (only when dealing with family functions). If it is a social function, then no excuse is necessary.
This was an incredible skill that I discovered in college. One of the great things I can apply to my future for the small price of $50,000 in debt. Attending organizational meetings, daily parties, and class were all becoming a huge drag. So what did I do? I started attending all of these functions, but always left early. I’m not a loser, I’d obviously have something more fun lined up, like a girl who wanted to hangout or a large meal and a movie with an array of intoxicants.
After perfecting these tiny victories over society, it was time to take my skills to the big screen… skipping a family member’s wedding. Who the hell wants to go watch their 2nd cousin make out with some random person, and then be forced to make like you’re having fun for 5 hours, while simultaneously making small talk with people you haven’t seen in 15 years, and won’t see for another 15. That’s preposterous, and any 20 something year old should be exempt from these bullshit events. Unfortunately, I wasn’t exempt and was fully expected to be there.
What these people forgot is that I genuinely don’t give a fuck. It’s not like it’s a friend’s wedding… those are super important, you should never miss those! It was my goal to implement my strategy on a grand scale, so I can remain in my mythical land for the weekend and run around like an otherkin.
First, you must send back the RSVP as if you are attending, this will avoid any suspicion from the excited and soon to be newly-wed couple and relatives. The last thing I’d want to happen is them asking me why I can’t go before I’ve built the ultimate scapegoat. Once the weekend was approaching I had to lay out my plan and build my reality, before breaching the RSVP contract, which as we all know is meaningless. I called my parents and informed them that I have been elected and I am responsible for running a community service event, in which the proceeds will go to homeless families with struggling children. If we promote anything here, it’s that the kids are our future and we must do everything to ensure their safe upbringing. I exclaimed how excited I was to be nominated for the fundraiser and how I wouldn’t miss it for the world. They asked when it was and that they’d love to come and help the cause! It is super nice of them to extend that offer, and I’d like nothin more than my parents to be at my debut. I told them the date, and by the off chance, it was the same day as the wedding. This means that they would not be able to attend my fundraiser… and I would not be able to attend the wedding. Half the work is done. From there I informed my soon-to-be married blood relative about my exciting opportunity, and the unfortunate timing of it. When they consult with my parents, all of my bases are covered.
This is truly a blessing, a sacred skill that was learned, mastered, and applied in real life to improve my quality of living. I missed the wedding, “helped out some homeless people” , and got to enjoy my regular average weekend of finding ways to get out of other things.
Now let’s talk about how to get out of a non-family member function. This is much easier and really comes down to being ok looking like an asshole.
I was working a corporate office job and my boss came into the room informing us that we are getting a catered lunch, that’s a win… but then he followed with “we’re throwing Tina from sales a baby shower”. Hmmm, that doesn’t sound like something I’m interested in. What even is a baby shower? Sounds like something a pedophile dreams of. I want no part of this statutory disgrace of a party… but I do want the catered lunch. I will list the measures taken which ultimately led to my success:
- Hit the buffet… talk about how delicious it is the whole time. (This is setting you up)
- Talk for about five minutes with everyone there and say you’ll be right back and make like you’re getting 2nds.
- Don’t return.
Instead of returning, I left the building, the rush was incredible. I’m stepping into the light, and more importantly never have to know what a baby shower really is. If ignorance is bliss… then I am bursting with bliss. I got so much bliss, I don’t know what to do with it!
I grabbed some more lunch from Wawa because I only had one plate at the buffet, I was still starving. From there I hit the Casino. The gambling HQ is only minutes from my office which really made this afternoon convenient. I made $100 in bets and went back to my office. Waited 10 minutes, 45 minutes, 2 hours. And finally everyone returned. My boss asked if I disappeared… I said absolutely not, I said baby showers make me uncomfortable due to a recent family trauma, and I was embarrassed to say anything at the time. A recent family trauma will get you out of anything, even when it is clearly a lie that makes literally no sense in the situation. I asked what I missed, he said there were a few “thanks and good luck” speeches, everybody in the room wrote on cards a message for the pregnant lady (who I barely recognized from the office). And she opened gifts for an hour. I said “ohh no! I would have loved to catch that, unfortunately I’m just a little wounded still”.
I went on that evening to lose all $100… I would have easily paid 200 US Dollars to miss that stupid baby bath, so I feel like I really came out on top. And I can add to my portfolio of how to get out of important events.
Living life and turning everything we do into a gamble, makes life very interesting. I could have lost my job.. or offended my family member. But guess what… I didn’t, and I won. That’s what we like to call in this business “being on a heater”… and I intend to continue my undefeated streak for years to come.