I bartend at a club. It’s a lounge/nightclub type establishment. Age range 45+… there are of course the outliers of girls in their 20’s and some in their 90’s. You know college girls drop their panties when getting hit on by some guy dressed like Frank Sinatra, wearing a wig, and dropping Leave It To Beaver references. If any of you have a widow fetish… this is your spot!
In work situations, typically no one notices how weird everything is and just goes on with their day. For measure, everyone says wtf that works there. The clients are a melting pot of the most bizarre humans in existence. As a bartender you gotta just make like this shit is normal, and engage. I feel like Bob Hoskins in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. These freaks are cartoons, and I’m serving a platypus in a red dress asking for my number because i complimented her beak.
Since it is a nicer bar in the suburbs, it’s only natural that people assume it’s a swingers club. I know this because a 60 year old drugged and burnt out fatter, version of Betty Boop asked me if it was one. I said no lol. Somewhere in our conversation inbetween when she was telling me how handsome I was and how she loves to swing with her friends and her husband, I told her I hate my life (I’ll elaborate in a moment). I was completely joking, but In the moment.. some dude meeting a granny who he met through an affair hookup site while his wife is on vacation, yelling for another appletini… and this other lady telling me she likes to watch her new husband fuck her friends after putting their kids to sleep turns her on.. I may have hated my life. I threw away the swinger’s cherry that was in the bottom of the empty glass because she handed it to me… she said immediately after I trashed it that she was gonna eat it, it was clearly in my head that I hate my life at the moment.
I felt kind of bad that I upset the bicurious Boop, I know how great cherries are.. she also looked like I killed her puppy once I told her what I did. so I said “I hate my life” out loud and in a sarcastic manner, not everyone takes things as lightly as us, as I’m sure you’ve noticed… which who would enjoy anything I described above. she looked into my soul. She said no you don’t! I said you you’re right, I said I just felt bad I threw away your cherry.
Her eyes were still beaming me as if I was Hitler. She said everyone around me takes their life. I responded: “Wow… that’s awful”. She has like the opposite of a Midas touch. I told her i was seriously joking, and I put two cherries in her next drink.. I obviously really know how to earn that tip, reminding customers of a series of tragic deaths tends to do the trick, and if that doesn’t work… give them some extra fruit. It’s the simple things.
She told me never to hate my life because I could be her. Honestly, that was one of the best pieces of advice I’ve gotten. I thought about it for a split second, i actually thanked this lady for the inspiring words, reality set in and I immediately dipped my hands in corrosive liquid to sanitize whatever brain mushing virus she’s been carrying since her overseas orgy trip in 86′.
Take this advice and run with it. If you are in a situation where you currently hate your life… remember that you could be this rusty human grim reaper in a 3/4 life crisis who just wanted her fucking Maraschino.