It was a 1 in 2000 chance of being picked to tour the Barstool Spots office… an organization that I have idolized over the last few years. They do everything so wrong, that it’s right, which is a lifestyle I’ve promoted for years. I hear on their shows about employees drinking on the job, so I felt the need to immerse myself in the company culture, realistically I just felt like getting drunk. I hit the bar about an hour before the tour and drank enough Crown Royal to give Justin Trudeau a heart palpitation.
I walked towards the office thinking about the possibilities. Even though I view these people as celebrities, I’m not a dick rider who makes like Dave and Big Cat are mythical creatures, they just happen to be 2 living legends, The Aesop and Bicasso of making fun of people, America’s favorite past time.. well at least mine. Having said that, Dave walked by me on the street as I was nearing the office and I froze up, had nothing to say except “Hey Dave!”. He looked up at me like a deer caught in headlights and was just as startled as he was confused. I probably should have mentioned I was gonna be in the office, but instead I looked like an insane fan girl… yikes. I knew he was gonna see me later and be like “fuck this guy”. Much like Kevin Clancy with Action Bronson… I pictured myself handling this moment masterfully and ended up fumbling through the situation.
There were only 5 people on the tour, me and one other guy were a little early so we got on the elevator and hopped off on the marketing and sales floor unsupervised… about 80 people stopped working and looked at us simultaneously, either assuming we’re there to shut down the place for violations or that we’re celebrities. Much like seeing dave moments before, I had no clue what to do with myself… me and this fellow stranger stood in the middle of the room and talked while the entire office kept looking at us every half-minute or so. I thought maybe I should ask a familiar face… as I thought that, Ria walked by, and I refrained, I figured my aura would woo her and completely ruin her and Hank’s relationship. I wasn’t on this tour to wreck homes, I’m on this tour because I got an email, one that looked so sketchy that I was possibly entering a “Taken” situation.. NYC Male edition. Really though, if this was a sex trafficking spam email, Worse comes to worse I leave with a new full time job at a dungeon in Bangladesh instead of touring the office.
Entering the office was exactly as I pictured… a building full of people working. The only difference is that there’s a camera crew constantly filming the employees, which is a solid way to ensure work gets done. If my boss video taped me all day, I’d be selling houses like biggie sold dope by the payphone. Since this was only the 2nd tour they’ve done, the employees were not used to this new program, and little did they know they let a loose cannon in the building, I’m wasted and stepping over cameras, leaning against Dave Portnoy’s portrait on the wall, standing behind doors that people are swinging open (not sure why I stood in that specific spot), I felt inclined to approach people’s desks that I think are funny and talk to them. Unfortunately they are just trying to do their work, and we all know how it feels to have a stranger strike up random conversation with you while creating spread sheets… it’s a fucking bizarre thing to occur.
Me disturbing Frankie’s work day: https://twitter.com/YoungPageviews/status/1116415242773385217
Since I was drunk, I’m causing a scene. I’m yelling out to Big Cat telling him he looks skinny, and talking on a first name basis instead of using their alias’s… wasn’t sure how that would go over, but I could tell fully that it inspired PFT when I called him Eric.
Towards the end of the tour, El Pres (who I awkwardly encountered earlier outside) walked by and introduced himself to some of the other people on this tour… he then looked up and saw me, 100% unsettled by my presence… I felt like he thought I just hunted him down and breached security to meet him again, during this awkward pause of silence I randomly yelled at him “Can I join the ‘Monster Hits Only Club??’’ (which is when you take big rips of pot like him… aka the MHOC). I hit Dave with an amplified 360, we went from being in a situation where he felt scared and confused, to being even more scared and confused… I just asked if I can smoke weed with him in his office. He surprisingly said yes and started looking for a vacant room, I wasn’t sure what to do so I joined him. It now looked like I’m in a 2 person game of follow the leader.
And in case you forgot, I had a camera crew on me this whole time.
After parading around the office like an idiot behind one of my heros… in front of some of my other heros, he says we can go into my office. This felt surreal, I was about to break the barriers of being an idiot.. to being an idiot in the MHOC. He pulled out his phone and started recording me, the camera guy was in the doorway, I yelled some random shit into Pres’s phone… for some reason said my full real name and shouted out Drunkgamblers.com, Dave looked at me and was like I’m not sure what your saying. Again, just super awkward. What the fuck is wrong with me, but I made it this far… I’m joining the damn club. After three massive rips from a dispensary pen, I’m coughing and in a haze, then next thing you know I’m pretty sure I spit a lugi on his phone from one of the coughs… I’m not positive if it was him who put the mucus there, or me, or maybe it was just a glare or part of his wallpaper. I saw it and immediately was like Dave is about to lose his mind on me. So far since meeting him; I scared him, yelled at him, and then spit on his phone. A great first impression. I’m going to assume the worst and say I hocked on his phone and he noticed, I’d be furious if someone did that to me… I’d put them on blast, and tell them to learn to fucking control their bodily functions.
In the midst of all of this action, I had a lot of questions over the years for these people that I’ve wanted to ask… and completely forgot all of them, it didn’t even cross my mind to ask. Also, our social media guy has a connection to the Chicago Bears Coach, which would definitely peek the interest of some employees, another bomb I should have dropped. My questions are left unanswered, my memory partially erased, and my dignity fully declined… the trip was a success in my book. It wouldn’t be a Drunk Gambling trip without people wondering: “What is this guy’s deal?”